X Marks The Spot

Fuck.  (Sorry, Mom)

This sums up my head-space right now.  I’ve let life take me down a path, blindfolded, hoping for the best.  Well, guess what?!  I didn’t magically end up at “the best”.  Imagine that!

Bills, bills, bills.  Clutter, clutter, clutter.  A house whose physical chaos mirrors that which is inside of us. Surviving vs living.  Existing vs thriving.  Sure, it could be worse, but it could also be a whole lot better with just a little effort.

So what’s brought me to this point? A perfect storm of not hurting enough to change, not dreaming enough to change, not believing enough to THINK I could change and constantly preaching about how happiness is a decision you make, not something you go looking for (my own preaching that is).

And it’s true, for the most part I am happy.  I have a beautiful family, a comfortable home, nice things, a job I love and a good group of friends.  But I also have a family with limited opportunities, a house that needs repairs, a good amount of debt, and a tiny paycheck that barely stretches from one to the next.  But some day it will get better….I tell myself.  Fifteen years later and it still hasn’t.  Again…imagine that!

Life is meant to be lived ON PURPOSE.  You’re supposed to dream up things you want (no matter how big or small) and make it a priority to go after them.  I don’t know why that’s so difficult for me to do.  I’ve blamed being an only child and having everything handed to me.  I’ve blamed being content with what I have.  I’ve blamed my wife for not always being on the same page.  I’ve blamed a Peter Pan complex that keeps me from wanting to ever grow up.  But news flash – it’s all on me.  Just like I can choose to be happy, I can also choose to be intentional.

A quote you’ll find on my homepage (at least at the time of this writing), is going to be my foundation for moving forward in the new year.

“You have to be brutally realistic about your present circumstances and wildly unrealistic about your future circumstances.”  ~Jon Acuff, Start

I have no problem dreaming up massively unrealistic goals for the future.  I’ll even draw out a little map of how I’m going to get there.  But as Jon also points out in the same book, the best map in the world doesn’t matter if you don’t know where you are … and I rarely allow myself to fully, honestly, brutally take a look at where I am.

I’ve been blissfully lost for far too long.  It’s time to find out where the hell I am.

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