Here’s To This

I feel like I’m about to write a blog I’ve already written, but it’s one of those nights…

I just want to go to bed.  I’ve been sitting here for 30 minutes starting, editing, erasing and starting again.  Nothing is flowing.  I have no obligation to do this, but I do have a commitment.  In fact, that commitment is what this blog is all about.

I have a problem with discipline.  Being a creative mind, I can only focus when I feel creative or I have a specific task.  Creating without inspiration …or even idea… is usually not worth creating at all.  So this is where I would normally leave you.  But: Commitment.

I haven’t shared this blog with many.  I did that on purpose because I knew if I shared this on Day 1, my commitment would be to the reader.  It would be all about having a fully designed page, purchased dot com, wildly unrealistic end goal and perfectly written blogs.  And the second all of that went to hell is the second I would quit.  I would have already, after all, let them down with a less-than-perfect effort so, why go on?   And that’s why I’m here talking to myself right now (and the few random people who drop by thanks to WordPress).  This blog is not currently for the reader.  It’s for the writer.

Have you ever had something you just had to do for yourself to prove you were able to?  I have lots of friends who seem to function this way with pretty much everything, but I’ve never seemed to care enough to prove anything.  Most likely because I’ve already proven to myself that I can, but probably won’t.  And I just realized why I’ve always allowed myself to think that.  Like literally as I was typing that out, the light bulb went off.  If I tell myself I can, but probably won’t – it allows me some twisted sense of control.  It’s not telling me I’m incapable of doing the task, it’s saying I’m choosing not to.  I’m accepting failure for what I can control (whether I do it or not) vs trying and having a potential failure expose that no, I CAN’T actually do that.

So here I am.  Pushing beyond the “probably won’t” for myself … not for anyone else.  And so far it’s working.  Because if I step away from this one — this thing that is not shared with the world and is only for me —  it won’t mean I can’t blog or design a page or engage readers… it’ll mean I can’t commit.  I can’t follow through with a simple action of discipline I’ve set for myself.  And if I can’t do that when no one is watching, then what CAN I do?

So here’s to commitment!  Here’s to pushing beyond.  Here’s to this blog.  Because I CAN!

 

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