…When I Grow Up.

Today is Friends & Fam Friday and, while I’ve had a great day filled with both, I’m suddenly sitting here depressed.

The tag line of this blog (at least at the time I’m writing) is: Being realistic about where you are and dreaming BIG anyway! Well I’ve been dreaming big (always), but just had a bit of a reality check out of nowhere.

We’re in the process of (fingers crossed) looking for a new house.  At the moment, we don’t even know if we could qualify for a new home loan, but we’ve taken the steps to see and are waiting to hear back from the bank.  In the meantime, I’ve been searching for what’s for sale in the areas we’d ultimately like to end up in and have, honestly, probably been looking a bit out of our price range.  This whole NOT KNOWING limbo sucks.  The bank could come back and say “nope, try again next year” or could tell us we have a green light for some exorbitant amount of money.  Who effing knows!?

Tonight I pulled up some of my saved listings and showed my wife.  I could picture us in several of them and felt myself getting excited as I scrolled through each picture, sharing my vision for the future with her.  It’s really been a fun thing for me.  Then I came to the computer and looked up a blog a friend suggested and instantly felt the air knocked out of me.  This blog is a young couple who’ve had success flipping houses and blogging along the way.  So much success that they’re now on their 4th home.  None of that is anything to be sad about except I saw us in them and then instantly saw what they have vs what we have.  It’s not a coveting thing, it’s a gut check thing.

I have never, in any part of my life, felt like I’ve moved beyond my 20s.  I act young, people tell me I look young (despite the gray hairs that are popping up), but the most convincing of all is that I reject responsibility like I’m young…. like I have my entire life ahead of me.  Most of my friends, even though we’re all about the same age, I view as “older”.  I think, “Well they have the nice house and can take vacations and buy nice things because they’re older and that’s what you do when you’re older”.   REALITY = I’m older.  I’m the age that people normally have their shit together and are beginning to really enjoy the fruits of their labor.

Let me pause and say… I LOVE MY LIFE.  I love that I have time freedom over a 6-figure salary that sucks the life out of me or keeps me away from my family.  I love that “work” for us is mostly fun and done in our own time.  But that doesn’t mean I don’t long for a little more security for my family and a lot more YES than my bank account allows.

So, returning to Pity Party for 1, how do I get it ALL?!  How do I keep the job I love with the time freedom I love, but make the kind of money I need to live the life I desire for my family?  That’s yet to be answered, but the important thing is I have my “start” spot on the map and I’ve never had a problem dreaming of the “end”.

Earlier today, I finished the audio book, You’re A Badass.  One line that summed up my life completely was:

Lame, vague goals equal a lame, vague life.

I dream big, but I don’t goal AT ALL.  Lucky for me I have a goal book AND workbook sitting right next to me and I have a feeling my next friends and fam friday blog just might tell the story of a family who GOALED together!  I’m tired of this lame, vague life.  It’s time to grow up, Peter Pan.

 

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