Insanity Plea

I’ve always known I’m easily distracted when it comes to responsibility.  Maybe distracted isn’t the word, but I sure as hell procrastinate whenever there’s something I need to do that I really don’t want to do.  I always thought I could put it aside when it really mattered — when something important was on the line that my actions could make or break — but I’m learning that it actually just gets worse and more neurotic.  Yay me!

I’ve had a lot on my plate these last few weeks.  Art commissions are coming in (WOOHOO), bills are due (BOO), we’re trying to re-grow an inventory we had to let temporarily dwindle for one of our businesses, seeking out new ways to grow other income streams, and on and on and on.  It’s been stressful to say the least and money has been super tight.  I’ve had my to-do list of things that could help the money, the stress, the stifled inner creative me and most of my other current boo hoos and yet … and yet … I find myself sitting down to do those things and my chest feels heavy, my mind gets scattered and it’s like I suddenly have ADD.  Between labored deep breaths, I begin lengthening the list in my head and then get so overwhelmed I have to check out because nothing is getting accomplished aside from me getting more stressed.

WHAT THE HELL!?

Why?  What is my problem?  Even now, my mind is jetting around the room — constantly causing me to pause while flipping through a Rolodex of anxiety-inducing thoughts. I used to come here and have something useful to say, but lately I feel like I’m just constantly having a public breakdown.

This must be what a victim mentality feels like.  I’m blaming all my stress on external circumstances while denying the solution via an alibi of insanity.  By doing so, I’ve handed all of the power over to the stresses and sit here waiting for them to attack me.  If I’m not in control, then I can’t change anything and, if I can’t change anything, then I’m in some deep you-know-what cause things HAVE to change.  No wonder I’m stressed.  But it’s dumb – because I CAN control it.  I CAN change it.

I’m going to sit down and write out my to-do list and include a dollar amount next to the things I know will bring in a specific income once finished.  I’m also going to write down dates to have each of them done by.  Time to stop denying who has the control.

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