Suck It, Contentment

As I sit here with (easily) 15 extra pounds than I’ve had on me the last few years, I find myself realizing, once again, that my desire for something more/better is rarely strong enough to achieve the goal.

Do I want 6 pack abs?  Absolutely.  Do I want them bad enough to put in the work of eating right and exercising to the extent it would take to get them?  The last 20 years will tell you “no”.  I’ve never had visible abs.  Not even a little.  And I’ve been pretty damn skinny at times.  Just don’t want them THAT bad.  And when I do want them, it’s usually to please someone else.  Not that they’re asking me to improve my body, but I would like to know that I’m somebody they’d take a second look at and say, “ok, damn”.  And as we all learn as we grow older, when you do something like this for anyone but yourself …. you fail almost every time.

This same pattern can be seen with me and money.  I want a nice cushiony bank account.  I want to travel, pay off my house, not own a single credit card, etc…. but I don’t want it bad enough to do the things it would take to achieve it.  Or, as I heard someone else describe it recently, I don’t HURT bad enough yet to do anything different than what I’m already doing.  We make enough to get by.  We pay our bills, go out to eat, buy a few things we don’t need… but we do it while constantly holding our breath for fear of that alert from the bank that we’re below the “desired” minimum balance.

I should have abs.  I should have money.  But in order to get both, I’m gonna have to find a “why” greater than I have right now.  I can’t get abs just because I want my friends to describe me as “hot”.  My friends are gonna love me whether I look like Zac Efron or Jabba The Hutt.  And until I learn how to manage money, there’s no point in making more because I know exactly where it goes.  Out the door.  And I will never manage money until I have something worth managing it for.  (Apparently peace of mind isn’t a big enough reason.)

I’ve always thought being content is a pretty good thing to be.  I mean, if you can be happy with whatever situation you’re in, then that’s pretty sweet, right?  That’s not 100% false, but it’s also not 100% true.  Being content is bittersweet.  On one hand, you’re always “ok”.  On the other, you never hurt bad enough to really strive for more.  Why put in ALL that work for ___ if you’re content with not having that?   Come to think of it, content kinda sucks.  It’s a false happy.  It’s average.  I’m tired of being content.

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